Prima facie duties: Breaking the news of difference

[Aias33]

Does any one have any advice for handling the situation of letting others, such as family, and distant family know where you stand with religious perspectives that are going to be different. As far as telling my family what I think of such subjects I have simply told most that they do not want to know what I think. However, their is a tension building and judgments are being made nonetheless, which is starting to have a negative effect on my self. So, I am thinking of coming out of the closet so to speak. I will stand my ground while maintaining respect for their beliefs and feelings, but I do understand they will be unhappy anyway, and probably already are. Just curious if any one has any advice; any would most likely be helpful.

[Doug]

DOUG writes:
There are many considerations here:
1. Your relationship with your family, and whether the truth would damage or sever your relationship with one or more of them.
* How you would feel if you did not reveal your true beliefs and continued to live "in the closet."
* How you would feel if your family relationships were severely damaged by their possible intolerance.
* How you would feel if members of your family were emotionally disturbed or depressed by the news of your beliefs.
2. Your relationship with your family regarding monetary and other support. Do you want to risk burning bridges behind you?
* How you would manage financially if you did not reveal your true beliefs and continued to live "in the closet."
* How you would manage if your family support, if any, was cut off.
* The chances of having to rely on your family for support later in your life, and whether this would make such support impossible.
3. How telling the truth to your family might affect your relationships with others they might talk to, such as old friends, co-workers, etc.

In my own case, I just told the truth to anyone who asked. Eventually I published a book on atheism, and it was out in the open as an issue. However, I knew that my family would not ostracize me for my beliefs. Had I thought otherwise, I might have proceeded differently.

Darrel and I know former ministers who "came out" as atheists. Those are possibly the most difficult of such circumstances, since one's livelihood and years of "training" are cast off often along with many longstanding relationships. In some cases, coming out as an atheist or freethinker cost them their friends, marriages, and jobs all at once. But they thought that the alternative of living a lie would have been worse, since they had done that already.

I don't think there is any single set of "best" ways to handle this situation because every case is different. I hope you are able to manage the situation with the least amount of pain. It is not a pleasant situation to be in, but remember that most of us in the Fayetteville Freethinkers have been there too. If nothing else, we might be able to offer words of encouragement, if not wisdom.

I wish you the best of luck.

[Dardedar]

I have a lot of experience with this because I have many family members that have been profoundly shunned much to the detriment of their lives and our families.

Here is my answer:

Do what is in your own, most selfish, best interest.

As one fellow put it (rough paraphrase from a book I read 25 years ago), these people (religious leaders) have been lying to me for all of these years, why should I suffer harm by imposing my strict sense of truth and honesty upon the situation, to my detriment?

He was referring to the fact that when they are investigating/interrogating (JW's don't fool around, they'll send spies to camp out at your house), why should we be honest with these religious robots?

Anyway, the tricky part is figuring out what IS in your self interest. If you think it is going to bring bad repercussions to be honest and reveal your state of mind, probably resist the temptation to do it (it is very tempting!). My advice is, resist doing this if it is in your best interest. You don't owe these people honesty in a matter that is personal and none of their, goddamn, business.

Don't forget there is a middle ground as well (which you seem to be doing now). If they want answers, and you want to give some, say as I do when I want to put some sugar on it: "I am becoming somewhat skeptical of religious claims." You can strengthen that or weaken it by adding more or less weasel words.

Thing is, lots of religious people, perhaps even most religious people are secretly doubting and skeptical of their faiths and certainly of parts of their faiths (there are exceptions of course!). So nearly everyone except the super righteous will identify with having doubts. Course, the smarter ones will figure out what you are doing and see the path you are on and where it is likely to lead (but not necessarily how far you are down it). So, if it is going to result in responses/effects that are not favorable to you or in your personal best interest, don't do it. You do not owe anyone this. Your beliefs about such matters are your business. What you reveal is your choice, done as a favor, and only do it to the degree that it is to your benefit. Be, entirely selfish in this regard.

Also, you would be surprised how long you can stretch out the "having doubts" thing. It is extremely common for the young to stray for a while and then come back (usually when you get married, have some kids and think they need religion to be moral). See the prodigal son story. This is what can happen to folks who don't go to freethinker meetings and get properly deprogrammed. As I say to my mum, when I deprogram people, they don't go back. And it's true, once you have been outside of the box you can't go back to living in the box and believing the false stories about what is outside of the box.

Anyway, you'll just have to figure out how much you want to tell your family. All I say is, take the action that will result in the best circumstances for you. You don't owe them, or anyone, an answer. Your thoughts are free! And no ones business but your own.

D.

[Aias33]

Excellent, this advice has, and will be most helpful. This has helped me understand that I am in control of myself, and am not obligated to satisfy anyone but myself in this matter, as it is my personal perspective and interests, not theirs; furthermore, I cannot do much about the reactions I receive. However, what I can do is limit the amount of unnecessary persecutions and emotional pains that others and I endure consequently.

As I have been thinking about this issue of, "coming out," that seems to be arising more and more as time progresses. I have come to realize that I have got to be me, for the sake of myself, and others. As not being myself would only cause me to resent others with whom I could not be myself around, and when others find out who I am, would feel deceived and/or hurt, most likely lashing back out at me.
Understanding that I have got to be me has also caused me to conclude that:
Relatives are the people who one shares a close genetic history with. This includes: parents, siblings, grandparents, cousins, aunts, and uncles, etc.
Family is the people who care/love you, nonetheless any difference, and does so with no ulterior motives. This includes anyone who cares or loves you, and you feel similarly for them.

With this perspective I needn't worry about the possible rejections and/or reactions as much, because if I am rejected on the premise of religious difference I did not need that person in my life anyway. Although, I personally am coming from the understanding that I do have people in my life, who do know who I am, and what I think, and do care about me nonetheless our differences. However, I know that there are still may other people in my life that are unsure, or do not know my perspectives. I suppose that out of my own selfishness I have tried to take a neutral ground with them in order to preserve a relationship, however, it is these people who are the people that are trying to change, constantly telling me I am wrong, or subtly telling me, and other relations, that I am going to hell, and will ultimately be responsible for me, "coming out."

In my case, relatives and former church members knowing what I think will not affect my job as far as I understand and perceive. It may have an effect on monetary gain such as inheritance, or financial assistance (in the unlikely event that I would need it from those who care and could provide); but, you never know. In the case of family support, I already have a good idea of the people who would be there for me in the likely event of needed support at some point in the future. The individuals that would not be able to, or would not support me have already made it known that they do not have the capacity to do so. Fortunately, there would only be a few people who would completely cut me out of their lives. Most will simply fail to appreciate the present as they live for the future. "Waiting to die is not living." Akira Kurasawa

What I am trying to accomplish out of all this is to stop the constant subject of religious topics, and dogma, to be brought up in conversation, the pressuring, and questioning, due to the unknown perspectives, and the obvious absence from religious scenes and rituals. It is to also stop the persecution, assumptions, and prejudgment that I am subjected to, because of the disappointment that others have in me. In some way I suppose that I am also seeking closure; not in any way vengeance, I have no hate for religious people, just the religion. I seek closure from the past that has had a negative effect on my development as a child, teenager, and young man, that only until recently, have I begun to heal from, and it is the people who are intolerant of my religious perspective that are continuing to attempt to bring me back to that existence once more.

Thank you Darrel and Doug! Your perspectives and wisdom on this subject has helped me, and will most likely be helping others.

I know others have had to deal with much worse than I. However, I wanted to make sure that I weighed my options and choices appropriately. It is a hard thing to deal with, but in a way it is relieving.

[Doug]

DOUG writes:
It may be useful to share your story with others going through the same process right now.

http://www.ex-christian.net

In fact, they have a special "Breaking the Bad News" thread here.

Note: the main page of Ex-Christian.net seems to be blocked on my work computer. At least, it won't show that page, but it will show others from that website. Odd.