Jokes

Freethinker jokes, anecdotes, etc.
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Doug
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Jokes

Post by Doug »

Image

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air balloon, approximately 30 feet above ground elevation of 2,346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

"She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be an Obama Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct. But I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but somehow, now it's my fault."
"We could have done something important Max. We could have fought child abuse or Republicans!" --Oona Hart (played by Victoria Foyt), in the 1995 movie "Last Summer in the Hamptons."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Aias33 »

Great joke! I will have to remember that one. Here is one for you.

A sadist and a masochist get married. When the newly weds finely find themselves at their hotel, the masochist turns to the sadist and asks, "Honey will you beat me?" The sadist turns slowly to the masochist, and with a large smile says, "No!"
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Re: Jokes

Post by samtoh4 »

Generous lawyer
A local United Way office realized that the organization had never received a donation from the town's most successful lawyer. The person in charge of contributions called him to persuade him to contribute.

"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000, you give not a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"

The lawyer mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"

Embarrassed, the United Way rep mumbled, "Um ... no."

The lawyer interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"

The stricken United Way rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.

"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the lawyer's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"

The humiliated United Way rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."

On a roll, the lawyer cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
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Dardedar
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dardedar »

"Last week a Duke University study showed exercise, yes EXERCISE, is just as effective as a cure for depression as Paxil and Zoloft. So ASK YOUR DOCTOR if getting off your ass is right for you!" --Bill Maher
"I'm not a skeptic because I want to believe, I'm a skeptic because I want to know." --Michael Shermer
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Re: Jokes

Post by Savonarola »

Darrel wrote: --Bill Maher
Disclaimer: Any medical information disseminated by Bill Maher should be taken with several grains of salt. Remember that he believes the medicine he wants to believe and rejects the medicine he wants to reject.
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Re: Jokes

Post by kwlyon »

Savonarola wrote:
Darrel wrote: --Bill Maher
Disclaimer: Any medical information disseminated by Bill Maher should be taken with several grains of salt. Remember that he believes the medicine he wants to believe and rejects the medicine he wants to reject.
He also is a strong supporter of PETA...now I happen to agree that "ethical treatment" of animals is...quite important. But "total animal liberation"...now that is getting into crazy town. Bill Maher is a reasonably intelligent guy. I don't know if he is still adhering to the vaccination/autism conspiracy (he is apparently dating a hot scientist) but Sav's advice above should be applied to EVERYONE--especially when they are speaking outside their area of expertise.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dardedar »

Maher, bless his soul, is a notorious crank on medical issues. Just last fall Martin Gardener did an article roasting Maher for his silly assertions on medical issues.

You can read it here:

http://www.csicop.org/si/show/bill_mahe ... _and_comic

D.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Doug »

Savonarola wrote:
Darrel wrote: --Bill Maher
Disclaimer: Any medical information disseminated by Bill Maher should be taken with several grains of salt. Remember that he believes the medicine he wants to believe and rejects the medicine he wants to reject.
DOUG
Yes, but in this case he is just stating a fact: a study did show this. So either he is telling the truth or he is not.

He is a crank about medicine--AND he is overzealous about the negative effects of American food (but not by much), AND he is a member of PETA (which is sometimes overzealous too, but they do a lot of good work--but in this case he is correct, that a study did reach this conclusion. In fact, more than one study, so it is not clear which one he is talking about, unless we just go with the most recent major news source, which cites a 2007 study.

Is Exercise the Best Drug for Depression?
By Laura Blue Saturday, Jun. 19, 2010

...Subsequent trials have repeated these results, showing again and again that patients who follow aerobic-exercise regimens see improvement in their depression comparable to that of those treated with medication, and that both groups do better than patients given only a placebo. But exercise trials on the whole have been small, and most have run for only a few weeks; some are plagued by methodological problems. Still, despite limited data, the trials all seem to point in the same direction: exercise boosts mood. It not only relieves depressive symptoms but also appears to prevent them from recurring.

...The trials on exercise have all been smaller, perhaps in part because they need no government approval. "If you look at FDA standards [for evidence], it's not clear that exercise would meet that standard," says James Blumenthal, the Duke University professor of medical psychology who ran Duke's 1999 exercise study as well as a 2007 follow-up with more than 200 patients, which Blumenthal believes is the largest such trial to date.

Read more: Here.


Exercise on par with drugs for aiding depression (2007)

Regular exercise may work as well as medication in improving symptoms of major depression, researchers have found.

In a study of 202 depressed adults, investigators found that those who went through group-based exercise therapy did as well as those treated with an antidepressant drug. A third group that performed home-based exercise also improved, though to a lesser degree.

Importantly, the researchers found, all three groups did better than a fourth group given a placebo -- an inactive pill identical to the antidepressant.

While past studies have suggested that exercise can ease depression symptoms, a criticism has been that the research failed to compare exercise with a placebo. This leaves a question as to whether the therapy, per se, was responsible for the benefit.

The new findings bolster evidence that exercise does have a real effect on depression, according to the researchers.

See here.

Study: Exercise Has Long-Lasting Effect on Depression (1999, report in 2000)
After demonstrating that 30 minutes of brisk exercise three times a week is just as effective as drug therapy in relieving the symptoms of major depression in the short term, medical center researchers have now shown that continued exercise greatly reduces the chances of the depression returning.
Here.
"We could have done something important Max. We could have fought child abuse or Republicans!" --Oona Hart (played by Victoria Foyt), in the 1995 movie "Last Summer in the Hamptons."
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Re: Jokes

Post by kwlyon »

Doug wrote: AND he is a member of PETA (which is sometimes overzealous too, but they do a lot of good work
Yea...so does the catholic church....
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dardedar »

kwlyon wrote: Yea...so does the catholic church....
DAR
Ha!
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Re: Jokes

Post by kwlyon »

Of all my humorous comments...why am I not surprised that that one would illicit a response:)
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

back to school:

There were three Indian squaws. One slept on a deer skin, one slept on an elk skin, and the third slept on a hippopotamus skin. All three became pregnant. The first two each had a baby boy. The one who slept on the hippopotamus skin had twin boys. This just goes to prove that ... the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides.
"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

.
history:

King Ozymandias of Assyria was running low on cash after years of war with the Hittites. His last great possession was the Star of the Euphrates , the most valuable diamond in the ancient world. Desperate, he went to Croesus, the pawnbroker, to ask for a loan. Croesus said, "I'll give you 100,000 dinars for it"."But I paid a million dinars for it," the King protested."Don't you know who I am? I am the king!" Croesus replied, "When you wish to pawn a Star, makes no difference who you are."

philosophy:

I tried to come up with a pun about famous German philosophers, but I Kant.
"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dardedar »

When Indian Chief Shortcake died, squaw bury Shortcake.
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

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A friend of mine just started his own business, making landmines that look like prayer mats. It’s doing well. He says Prophets are going through the roof.

.
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Re: Jokes

Post by Dardedar »

"I used to smoke marijuana. But I'll tell you something: I would only smoke it in the late evening. Oh, occasionally the early evening, but usually the late evening - or the mid-evening. Just the early evening, mid-evening and late evening. Occasionally, early afternoon, early mid-afternoon, or perhaps the late-mid-afternoon. Oh, sometimes the early-mid-late-early morning. . . . But never at dusk."

--Steve Martin
"I'm not a skeptic because I want to believe, I'm a skeptic because I want to know." --Michael Shermer
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

.
Concho Valley, Texas weather map..."steamy outlook"

Image


here.
"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

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Image
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"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

.

A friend of mine said he asked his Baptist minister if prostitutes can be saved. The minister said of course they can. My friend then asked him if he would save him one for next Friday night.

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"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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Re: Jokes

Post by L.Wood »

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The Lord created us in His image -- and we have MORE than returned the favor! Glory!"
--Betty Bowers
"Blessed is the Lord for he avoids Evil just like the Godfather, he delegates."
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