News from the Onion

Freethinker jokes, anecdotes, etc.
tmiller51
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News from the Onion

Postby tmiller51 » Sun Jan 31, 2010 10:53 pm

Skeptic Pitied

FAYETTEVILLE, AR—Craig Schaffner, 46, a Fayetteville-area computer consultant, has earned the pity of friends and acquaintances for his tragic reluctance to embrace the unverifiable, sources reported Monday.

"I honestly feel sorry for the guy," said neighbor Michael Eddy, 54, a born-again Christian. "To live in this world not believing in a higher power, doubting that Christ died for our sins—that's such a sad, cynical way to live. I don't know how he gets through his day."
Coworker Donald Cobb, who spends roughly 20 percent of his annual income on telephone psychics and tarot-card readings, similarly extended his compassion for Schaffner.

"Craig is a really great guy," Cobb said. "It's just too bad he's chosen to cut himself off from the world of the paranormal, restricting himself to the limited universe of what can be seen and heard and verified through empirical evidence."
...
Perhaps the person who pities Schaffner most is his brother Frank, a practicing Scientologist since 1991.

"It's bad enough when someone has the ignorance to reject Dianetics in spite of its tremendous popularity," Frank said. "But Craig isn't even willing to try a free introductory course. Scientology has the potential to free humanity from the crippling yoke of common sense, unshackling billions from the chains of century after century of scientific precedent, and yet he still won't give it a try."

"I realize that Craig seems very happy with his narrow little common-sense-based worldview," Frank continued, "but when you think of all the widely embraced beliefs that are excluded by that way of thinking, you have to feel kind of sad."

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Doug
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Re: News from the Onion

Postby Doug » Mon Feb 01, 2010 12:52 pm

DOUG writes:
It's funny as hell. But, jokes aside, brutally honest. All too many people have that exact point of view about the paranormal, that it allows one to transcend the limits of the empirical, and that it is sad when people don't embrace it. And not just in Fayetteville!

Too true...
"We could have done something important Max. We could have fought child abuse or Republicans!" --Oona Hart (played by Victoria Foyt), in the 1995 movie "Last Summer in the Hamptons."

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RobertMadewell
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Re: News from the Onion

Postby RobertMadewell » Mon Feb 01, 2010 10:25 pm

Did you invite Mr. Schaffner to the meetings? Maybe he could speak? :D

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Dardedar
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Re: News from the Onion

Postby Dardedar » Tue Feb 02, 2010 12:34 am

RobertMadewell wrote:Did you invite Mr. Schaffner to the meetings? Maybe he could speak? :D


DAR
That's an oldie but goodie article from "The Onion." Which means it is complete humor/fake (while at the same time containing great truths). Also, very very dry.

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RobertMadewell
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Re: News from the Onion

Postby RobertMadewell » Thu Feb 11, 2010 11:18 pm

Which means it is complete humor/fake ...
Of course it is, Darrel. Didn't you notice my smiley?

Hey, here's another one from The Onion that I thought was too funny.

Prayers Answered By Random Series Of Events In Cold, Uncaring Universe

KATY, TX—A man in danger of losing his home had his prayers coincidentally answered Tuesday by the haphazard machinations of an indifferent and entirely random universe. Marvin Pewter, 45, was able to refinance his house after a radio station in Sioux Falls, SD played the favorite song of a local data-entry worker who, quietly singing along to the tune in her office, became distracted and missed a keystroke that eventually resulted in Pewter's credit rating increasing by 200 points. "Thank God," said Pewter, speaking to reporters from the large ranch-style home he purchased four years ago and has never been able to afford. "This just goes to show that, if you put your faith in the Lord, the Lord will provide." At press time, when gale-force winds had leveled his house and swept away all his possessions, Pewter put the blame on atmospheric conditions off the Gulf Coast and declined comment on whether God was punishing him for his hubris.

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Dardedar
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Re: News from the Onion

Postby Dardedar » Fri Feb 12, 2010 1:06 am

RobertMadewell wrote:Of course it is, Darrel. Didn't you notice my smiley?


DAR
Ha! Didn't notice it. Sorry 'bout that.


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