fayfreethinkers.com

DAR
My rightwing friend Bill sent this along. I'll give it a good line by line roast below:

***
Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives, socialists,
Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:

We have stuck together since the late 1950's, but the whole of this latest
election process has made me realize that I want a divorce. I know we
tolerated each other for many years for the sake of future generations, but
sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our two ideological sides of
America cannot and will not ever agree on what is right, so let's just end
it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to irreconcilable
differences, and go on our own ways.

Here is a model dissolution agreement:

Our two groups can equitably divide up the country by landmass each taking
a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I am sure our two sides can
come to a friendly agreement.

After that it should be relatively easy! Our respective representatives
can effortlessly divide other assets since both sides have such distinct and
disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive taxes so you can keep them.
You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.

Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our firearms, the cops, the NRA,
and the military. You can keep Oprah, Michael Moore, and Rosie O'Donnell
(you are however, responsible for finding a bio-diesel vehicle big enough to
move them).

We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations, pharmaceutical companies,
Wal-Mart, and Wall Street. You can have your beloved homeless, homeboys,
hippies, and illegal aliens. We'll keep the hot Alaskan Hockey Moms,
greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the Bibles and give you NBC and
Hollywood .

You can make nice with Iran , Palestine , and France , and we'll retain the
right to invade and hammer places that threaten us. You can have the
peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or way of life are under
assault, we'll provide them job security.

We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values. You are welcome to Islam,
Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain. You can have the U.N. But we
will no longer be paying the bill. We'll keep the SUV's, pickup trucks, and
oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru Station Wagon you can
find.

You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find any practicing Doctors
(that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow you to your turf.
We'll continue to believe healthcare is a luxury and not a right.

We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and the National Anthem. I'm
sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine, I'd Like to Teach The World To
Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

We'll practice trickle down economics, and you can give trickle up poverty
its best shot.

Since it often so offends you we'll keep our History, our Name, and our
Flag.

Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along to other likeminded
patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete and hang on.

In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you ANWAR on who will need
whose help in 15 years.

Sincerely,

John J. Wall

Law Student and an American

Ps. please take Barbra Streisand

DAR
The Roast:

***
> Dear American liberals, leftists, social progressives,
> socialists,
> Marxists, Obama supporters, et al:
>
> We have stuck together since the late 1950's,
> but the whole of this
> latest
> election process has made me realize that I want a
> divorce. I know
> we
> tolerated each other for many years for the sake of
> future
> generations, but
> sadly, this relationship has run its course. Our
> two ideological
> sides of
> America cannot and will not ever agree on what is
> right, so let's
> just end
> it on friendly terms. We can smile; slate it up to
> irreconcilable
> differences, and go on our own ways.
>
> Here is a model dissolution agreement:
>
> Our two groups can equitably divide up the country
> by landmass each
> taking
> a portion. That will be the difficult part, but I
> am sure our two
> sides can come to a friendly agreement.
>
> After that it should be relatively easy! Our
> respective
> representatives
> can effortlessly divide other assets since both
> sides have such
> distinct and
> disparate tastes. We don't like re distributive
> taxes so you can
> keep them.

DAR
Republicans don't like distributive taxes? That's a good one! Actually they love it. It's called "corporate welfare" and it costs more than helping the poor (you know, welfare leeches like Joe the non-plumber who, although was on welfare twice, traveled around criticizing Obama for saying, once, the phrase "spread the wealth").


> You are welcome to the liberal judges and the ACLU.
>

DAR
Civil liberties, yeah, I JUST love them! Why are right wingers so against citizens having civil liberties? What could be more unamerican?

> Since you hate guns and war, we'll take our
> firearms, the cops, the
> NRA, and the military.

DAR
Without mooching off all of the hardworking liberals and liberal states (see Red State letter below) you couldn't pay for your military.
And I don't hate guns, I have several of them, and they are loaded. But I do believe sensible regulation would greatly reduce the extraordinary rates of gun mortality in the US.



> You can keep Oprah, Michael
> Moore, and Rosie
> O'Donnell
> (you are however, responsible for finding a
> bio-diesel vehicle big
> enough to move them).

DAR
Southern republicans aren't fat? This is good stuff!


> We'll keep the capitalism, greedy corporations,
> pharmaceutical
> companies,
> Wal-Mart, and Wall Street.


DAR
After all, Liberals don't believe capitalism. Bush and the greedy corporations just about killed Wall Street. Someday I am going to sit down and figure out where the stock market would be if Bush had been able to produce a Clintonian level of increase. Let's do it right now:

Clinton's DOW went from 3,200 to 10,500

That's a 3.3x increase.

Bush's DOW went from about 10,700 to what? 8,000?

What's that? A 20% decrease?!

If you take Bush's DOW of 10,700 and times it by 3.3 you get:

35,310

That's what a Clinton increase would have done. That's where we would be today if Bush and his policies had managed the same rate of increase we enjoyed under Clinton.

But instead we get a DOW of 8,000ish.

And the S & P is more important and even WORSE. Clinton had a similar 3.3x increase during his time. Too get Bush's result, take the Clinton S & P Bush inherited and times it by point 6. So rather than a 3.3x increase over eight years, Bush policies nearly cut it in half!

This is your republican capitalism. Ouch, you can have it.

If Bush's S & P (he started at 1,380) had increased as it did under Clinton it would be well over 4,000. It closed at 868 today.

How do you like your reality served up Bill, hot or cold? Does Rush, or Hannity, or Bill 'O, or Savage ever mention this profound truths to you? I didn't think so.


> You can have your
> beloved homeless,
> homeboys,
> hippies, and illegal aliens.

DAR
Cool. Nothing has driven capitalism and economic growth in America more than aliens, illegal or not. And if you want to change their status to legal, just sign a paper and give them amnesty. That's what Saint Reagan did. We'll take them.

> We'll keep the hot
> Alaskan Hockey Moms,

DAR
Oh please do. The deal already assumed you get the idiots. Please make her your leader too.


> greedy CEO's, and Rednecks. We'll keep the
> Bibles and give you NBC
> and Hollywood.
> You can make nice with Iran , Palestine , and
> France , and we'll
> retain the
> right to invade and hammer places that threaten us.

DAR
That's worked out sooooo well in the past. War and slaughter rather than "making nice." Just like it says in your Bible (the older parts anyway). It's not like anyone actually follows the old or new parts of the Bible they don't like anyway. And the war and slaughter are the parts your tribe really likes. Oh, the numbers are in on Bush's hammer job in Iraq. Over a million dead, several million displaced, and 5 million orphaned. And the bill will be about 5 trillion dollars.


> You can have the
> peaceniks and war protestors. When our allies or
> way of life are
> under assault, we'll provide them job security.
>
> We'll keep our Judeo-Christian Values.

DAR
Please do! They don't work and never have! See here if you have forgotten:

http://fayfreethinkers.com/tracts/moralvalues.shtml

I don't understand the "job security" comment.

> You are
> welcome to Islam,
> Scientology, Humanism, and Shirley McClain.

DAR
It's called freedom of religion. A civil liberty! A rather important one if you know anything about American history.


> You can
> have the U.N.
> But we
> will no longer be paying the bill.

DAR
Oh how the rightwingers belly ache about supposed UN bills. But they are just showing their ignorance again. A little factoid for you. Every single day the bloated US military receives and largely wastes the equivalent of an entire yearly core budget of the UN (they've misplaced 2 trillion dollars).

"It's a bureaucracy certainly, but not huge," says former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright. The annual core [UN] functions cost about $1.25 billion, or she says, "roughly what the Pentagon spends every 32 hours." -- http://tinyurl.com/tii9

That was ten years ago.


> We'll keep
> the SUV's, pickup
> trucks, and
> oversized luxury cars. You can take every Subaru
> Station Wagon you
> can find.

DAR
Yeah, keep those SUV's, and the wars you need to fight to feed them. Buy them while you can. American automotive STUPIDITY has brought GM stock down to $2.82 today (Ford's under 2 bucks) and it's only holding there because of liberal, taxpayer, subsidized, government, support.

What's Toyota worth today you ask?

$69.38

This was obviously written before the true extent of republican failed policies were understood. It's needs to be revised don't ya think?

Oh, and what is Subaru stock worth today? (they're a little company, previously controlled by GM but now Toyota is the major shareholder).

$4.40. Tiny Subaru stock is worth more than GM. It's almost worth as much as GM and Ford combined.


> You can give everyone healthcare, if you can find
> any practicing Doctors

DAR
Actually, the US healthcare system is such a mess, as Hillary predicted, that the majority of practicing Doctors ARE NOW IN FAVOR OF IT. Which is to say, I don't think we will have any trouble finding doctors. Every other country on the planet provides healthcare to their citizens and finding doctors is not a problem.


> (that is practicing, Howard Dean) who will follow
> you to your turf.
> We'll continue to believe healthcare is a
> luxury and not a right.

DAR
In GOP land, healthcare is truly a luxury. If you guys could only realize how stupid your stuff sounds.


We'll keep The Battle Hymn of the Republic and
> the National Anthem.
> I'm
> sure you'll be happy to substitute Imagine,
> I'd Like to Teach The
> World To
> Sing, Kum Ba Ya, or We Are the World.

DAR
"The Battle Hymn," oh how you guys love the war and bloodshed. It's amazing your warmongering party has made it this far. Thank god it's on the ropes.


> We'll practice trickle down economics, and you
> can give trickle up
> poverty its best shot.

DAR
You practiced trickle down voodoo economics (papa Bush called it that) and gave us ten trillion in debt and a completely destroyed economy! It doesn't work and almost everyone knows this now. It's dead.


> Since it often so offends you we'll keep our
> History, our Name, and
> our Flag.
>
> Would you agree to this? If so please pass it along
> to other
> likeminded
> patriots, and if you do not agree just hit delete
> and hang on.
>
> In the spirit of friendly parting, I'll bet you
> ANWAR on who will
> need
> whose help in 15 years.

DAR
You guys wouldn't make it 15 years. You wouldn't make it a year. You would turn in the totalitarian fascist taliban like state you always wanted to be and would implode. Bronze age mental development does not go well with space age weapons. Without liberals to keep your childish impulses at bay, you're sunk.

D.

DAR
Doug posted this some time ago. It's like Bill's rant above but actually has some interesting facts in it. I think this was written after the 2004 election.

********
Letter from Blue States to Red States

Dear Red States:

We've decided we're leaving. We intend to form our
own country, and we're taking the other Blue States with
us. In case you aren't aware, that
includes California , Hawaii , Oregon , Washington ,
Minnesota , Wisconsin , Michigan , Illinois and all the
Northeast. We believe this split will
be beneficial to the nation, and especially to the people
of the new country of New California.

To sum up briefly: You get Texas , Oklahoma and all the
slave states. We get stem cell research and the best
beaches. We get the Statue of Liberty.
You get Dollywood. We get Intel and Microsoft. You get
WorldCom. We get Harvard. You get Ole' Miss. We get 85
percent of America 's venture capital
and entrepreneurs. You get Alabama . We get two-thirds of
the tax revenue, you get to make the red states pay their
fair share.

Since our aggregate divorce rate is 22 percent lower than
the Christian Coalition's, we get a bunch of happy
families. You get a bunch of single
moms. Please be aware that Nuevo California will be
pro-choice and anti-war, and we're going to want all our
citizens back from Iraq at once. If you
need people to fight, ask your evangelicals. They have
kids they're apparently willing to send to their deaths
for no purpose, and they don't care
if you don't show pictures of their children's
caskets coming home. We do wish you success in Iraq , and
hope that the WMDs turn up, but we're not
willing to spend our resources in Bush's Quagmire.

With the Blue States in hand, we will have firm control of
80 percent of the country's fresh water, more than 90
percent of the pineapple and
lettuce, 92 percent of the nation's fresh fruit, 95
percent of America's quality wines, 90 percent of all
cheese, 90 percent of the high tech
industry, most of the U.S. low-sulfur coal, all living
redwoods, sequoias and condors, all the Ivy and Seven Sister
schools plus Stanford, Cal Tech
and MIT. With the Red States, on the other hand, you will
have to cope with 88 percent of all obese Americans (and
their projected health care
costs), 92 percent of all U.S. mosquitoes, nearly 100
percent of the tornadoes, 90 percent of the hurricanes, 99
percent of all Southern Baptists,
virtually 100 percent of all televangelists, Rush
Limbaugh, Bob Jones University, Clemson and the University
of Georgia. We get Hollywood and
Yosemite , thank you.

Additionally, 38 percent of those in the Red states
believe Jonah was actually swallowed by a whale, 62 percent
believe life is sacred unless we're
discussing the war, the death penalty or gun laws, 44
percent say that evolution is only a theory, 53 percent that
Saddam was involved in 9/11 and
61 percent of you crazy bastards believe you are people
with higher morals then we lefties.

Finally, we're taking the good pot, too. You can have
that dirt weed they grow in Mexico .

Peace out,

Blue States